“Many find it very difficult to refer to their own experiences with unwanted sex as rape”

It is an experience familiar to many: A night out on the town involving alcohol that ends in sex. But what happens when the experience feels strange, uncomfortable, or downright wrong afterwards?

Criminologist Maria Louise Hansen has interviewed 30 women and men about their experiences with unwanted and confusing ‘drunken sex.’

“Many find it very difficult to refer to their own experiences with unwanted sex as rape,” she says.

Voluntary and unwanted sex

There is a narrative in our society that is meant to be simple and educational: Sex should be voluntary, and sex without consent is rape. 

But when women and men describe their experiences, a completely different picture emerges.

Through her research, Hansen has taken a closer look at how sex that may not have gone so well is interpreted. 

The study concerns the interpretation of such sexual experiences. Experiences that do not resemble entirely conventional sexual encounters or outright assault, but that are frequently associated with alcohol and partying. And where many are left with a bad feeling.

According to Hansen, it's about more than just the act itself. In Norway and other Western countries, sex is framed as healthy and normal.

When sex did not turn out the way you wanted

Sex is also closely linked to identity. Many people think that your actions in the bedroom reveal who you are as a person.

“If you tend strange trees in your garden, few people would think that it reveals anything about who you really are as a person. But if you discover someone’s preferences in the bedroom, many people think: ‘Is that what you’re like? I wouldn't have thought that about you’," the researcher says.

For young adults, sex is a way of developing themselves and showing that they are ‘normal’ and experienced. It is a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood. 

If you find yourself in a situation you cannot control, it may feel as if you have failed to manage yourself and your own boundaries. This is followed by shame.

“When you experience something unwanted, it may feel not only like a violation, but also like you have failed as a person to look after yourself,” she says.

The boundary you have to touch

Hansen explains that our society has high expectations that we should be sexually experienced and know exactly where our boundaries lie.

“To know where the boundary lies, you almost have to reach out and touch it,” she says.

But when you're teetering right on the edge, the distance to something going wrong is very short.

This creates enormous ambivalence – a feeling of uncertainty. Was it okay? Was it assault? Was it consensual? For many, it does not feel as simple as the commonly held notion that ‘sex without consent is rape,’ the researcher explains.

“In my material, I observe that the public discourse on rape and boundaries does not leave much room for the ambivalence that many people are left with,” she says.

When ‘consent’ creates more confusion than order

In 2025, the Norwegian Penal Code was amended. It was no longer enough to assume the other person agreed; one must also ensure they consent. The intent was for the law to establish clear boundaries.

According to Hansen’s research, the public discourse on sex, consent, and the boundaries between sex and rape – where the distinction between the two is presented as ‘simple’ – may actually make things more unclear for those who are caught in the middle.

“People may feel compelled to place their experiences into one of two boxes: Either it was ‘good sex’, or it was ‘rape’,” she explains.

Many people do not recognise themselves in that distinction. They might not feel they were raped, but they also do not feel the sex was good. 

It's not the law, but rather public discourse, that contributes to such a distinction.

Labelling it as rape carries immense gravity and the expectation that it will be reported to the police. This may feel strange, especially if the other person is someone you know.

There is little room for bad sex

“The fact that someone chooses not to report a rape is not necessarily about shame or fear. There may be ambivalent feelings about what actually happened and the consequences of reporting it,” says Hansen.

The consent provision is often portrayed as something that should simplify the process of interpretation following unwanted sex. It is supposed to make it easier to understand where the line between sex and rape is drawn. 

But in these portrayals, there appears to be little room for bad sex, ambivalence, and needs other than reporting the incident to the police.

Much research on assault is framed by legal concepts or psychology. Hansen has explored what makes it unclear for those who experience it.

“None of my informants reported what happened to the police. Either they did not want to report it, or it did not occur to them to do so,” she says.

Men and women perceive risk differently

The interviews revealed clear gender differences regarding alcohol and safety. Women often state that they take precautions. They send messages and let people know where they are going.

“The men I interviewed barely understood what I was asking when I asked them how they looked after themselves,” says Hansen.

It appears that heterosexual men largely do not perceive themselves to be at risk of assault. At the same time, they also do not see themselves as potential perpetrators either. 

This can lead to dangerous situations, such as when a man does not realise that a woman is too intoxicated to actually consent to what is happening.

Hansen hopes that her research will create space for a more nuanced conversation about sex that is not necessarily either ‘perfect’ or ‘criminal’, but rather exists in the complex, human grey area.

“I have explored the gendered interaction between what is right and wrong, and what constitutes proper sex. And what is the cost if we consider it one way or the other? There's a lot at stake here," says the researcher.

References:

Hansen, M. Non-reporting of sexual violence as action: acts, selves, futures in the making, Nordic Journal of Criminology, vol. 22, 2021. DOI: 10.1080/2578983X.2020.1867401

Hansen, M. Reconfiguring the relationship between the ‘good (hetero)sexual subject’ and the grey area between sex and rape, Sexualities, 2023. DOI: 10.1177/13634607231200551

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Read the Norwegian version of this article on forskning.no

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